David Owens, an American artist, said, “there is a powerful tension in our relationship to technology. We are excited by egalitarianism and anonymity, but we constantly fight for our identity.” Owens hits the nail right on the head regarding how we strive for the anonymity that computer mediated communication provides, but that we use that same anonymity to disclose our identity. One of the best and scariest relationships I ever had was with my old best friend’s x-boyfriend. When she moved away, I somehow ended up talking to her boyfriend of her new home on the Internet and continued to even after they broke up. Oddly, Alan provided the companionship I needed because of the relationship we had as a result of the factors that facilitate computer-mediated communication relationships.
McKenna describes one relationship facilitation factor to be identifiably. The part of this term that I am going to focus on states that the more anonymity in a relationship, the more self-disclosure and therefore the greater relationship development. Even though Alan and I new each other’s names and where each other lived, the details about our families and friends as well as our activities were a mystery to one another. As a result, we could confide in each other things about our friends, family and feelings with out worrying that the other would tell someone. Because we were able to connect on this deeper level and acted as each other’s diaries, just diaries that could talk back and offer advice, we began to depend on each other as a way to relieve stress and found comfort in each other’s company. The fact that we never even talked on the phone or met face-to-face allowed us to be open and honest, free of convictions.
Another relationship facilitation factor McKenna describes is the removal of gating features. This means that in computer-mediated communication, the gates that can allow people in or keep people out including physical attractiveness and master status cues do not exist. If Alan and I had first met in person, we might have never formed a relationship either because we might not have been attracted to one another or we might have formed a stigma on the other based on their race, status or even a disability. Honestly, I feared actually meeting him face-to-face because it would have completely thrown off the foundation of our relationship. The Internet allowed us to have a relationship solely based on what’s inside and not on our outward appearances. Dangerous or not, having Alan to confide to during that first year of high school was comforting because he could offer a friendship that no one else could: a judgeless one.
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4 comments:
Jillian,
Your post was very interesting; I wonder if you and Alan kept in touch after that initial year. In your case, it seems that anonymity really played a large role in helping create the comfort and safety the friendship offered you. McKenna’s theory seems to be extremely relevant in your case, with increased anonymity creating a secure environment for self-disclosure and an “ability to express the real you.”
It would be interesting to see whether “getting the goods” also played a role in establishing your friendship with Alan; in addition to the information your friend provided to you about Alan, did pictures you exchanged or mediums such as My Space or any blogs he had help form your perceptions of him? In the case of a picture exchange, your perception of his attractiveness would also be intriguing to analyze.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post. The point you made in your introduction struck as exactly right in my mind that we use the anonymity provided by CMC to disclose our identity. Is our computer identity the same as our real life identity though? It's possible that selective-self presentation allows for us to portray a more true version of ourselves online. However, it might also be true that we are projecting what we predict our true self will become in the future. You mention the removal of gating features in a relationship, as well as a fear of it. I'm interested in knowing if you and Alan ever did meet FtF eventually, or whether it was kept strictly as an internet relationship. Also, it's great to hear that you were both able to achieve a different level of self-disclosure than that which you would be able to had you known Alan in real life. Overall, I agree that it’s really nice to have a friend online with which the gating features McKenna describes remaining. It allows for that extra little bit of confiding in one another that isn’t as easy with someone who is a part of the life you live off of the computer.
Hey Jillian,
I really enjoyed your post. It is funny how much self-disclosure is exercised with people we barely know on CMC. I also had something of a relationship with someone who I barely knew on AIM. Looking back, I can’t believe I was so willing to share such intimate thoughts with someone who was essentially a stranger. For all I knew, she could have been at her computer laughing with her friends about my trials and tribulations.
I found it interesting that you compared your correspondence with this person to having a diary. Your post really made me wonder what it is about CMC correspondence that makes it so easy to use more self disclosure. I do not mean to offend in any way, but it seems like your relationship with this person was more like a hobby than personal relationship. Sometimes I feel that even though CMC allows one to share things with another person that they might not in FTF, an intimate relationship in CMC does not compare to one in FTF. Though you were sharing yourself with someone who you “knew” through a friend, someone looking at the situation from outside would see you writing to a diary on your computer. Without a face or voice, this person exists less than a human being than someone who you might know in person. You said that you relationship was a judgeless one but you do not know if the guy was judging you or not.
Great post. I find your experience to be really interesting and enlightening. I like how you referred to your friend Alan as a diary that can talk back and give advice; it's a perfect description. It is an interesting concept, and I think everybody should have someone that they can talk to whether it is in CMC or FTF. I agree that it may have been different had you previously met in person. Since you had no cues or opinions about him, you were almost anonymous to each other and it allowed your relationship to become what it was.
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